Heart of the Fallen
by ice illuser
Summary: I know what they call me a clay doll that reeks of the dead, a fallen miko, a girl who can not get over her supposed betrayal, and many other titles. I know all this to be true, and yet I find it so hard to go back to the slumber of death. A Kikyo oneshot


Disclaimer: Of course I am the owner of Inuyasha; with billions upon billions of dollars…that was a test of stupidity. If you believed it, you completely bombed it.

A/N: This is my first Inuyasha fic, so please keep that in mind. Also…I know a lot of people hate Kikyo, so if you hate her, don't read this. Don't see why you would…

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I used to be one of the most pure mikos, given the coveted task of guarding the Shikon Jewel. That has all changed of course, as now I am merely a clay doll wandering the Earth being sustained by souls of the dead. Yes, a clay doll, I admit that that is what I am.

I am still uncertain whether or not to thank or curse Urasue, the youkai who brought me back to life, or rather, my unlife. It is true that I am alive once again, but what sort of existence is this? What I have is a life that is only sustained by other souls, only fueled by the determination that I still have, and my hatred for Inuyasha.

No, that isn't completely correct either. I do not hate Inuyasha. Or do I? Would one still wish to be together forever with the person that they most bitterly hate? Or perhaps hate and love are closer than one might expect, for that is my only explanation. Hate is just twisted love, while love is just modified hate. I wish him to die, but I also wish for him to descend into hell with me. I have already tried once, but that girl interrupted.

Kagome, my reincarnation. I will admit that the first time I saw her, I detested her. She was the one who was my only obstacle in my goal of Inuyasha going to hell with me. However…things constantly change. She is my reincarnation, so I suppose I should not be so surprised that she has a good deal of power, but I really did think her useless at first. It pains me to admit it, but she has a much more pure heart than I, even saving me from death at one point. I cannot say that I would do the same thing for her, so she must be the better one of the two of us. As for the issue between us about Inuyasha…what will happen may happen, despite anything either of us does. And, even if I do lose in the end…I will know that Inuyasha has found his happiness, even if it is not with me.

What has brought this complete turn around in mindset? …it is hard to say. When I was first brought back, I was completely filled with my last emotion; hatred. It didn't matter who it was, the supposed betrayal of Inuyasha had brought that ugly emotion out rearing its head at everyone and everything. Since then, perhaps I've calmed down somewhat, especially after Kaede told me the real story.

It is very strange to see my little sister so old now, and myself still so young. I died fifty years ago, while my sister was only a small child. I wonder at times how she managed to grow up. Was it hard to fill my shoes as a miko? Did she resent me? Sometimes I wish to ask her, but in the end I am a coward, and don't want to know the answer.

What would life have been like if I had just left Onigumo to die? It's useless to wonder about this question, as a miko I could never have been that cruel, but what if? Inuyasha would have become human, we would have gotten married, the Shikon Jewel would no longer exist, and perhaps things would have been peacefully happy. But I could just be deluding myself, perhaps nothing would have worked out in the end anyway.

There is just one thing that I am sure of, even in my un-life, and that is that Naraku must die. He has caused so much pain from Inuyasha and I to that taijya's village massacre, all for the sake of gathering the Shikon shards. Who knows what he will do if he manages to get his blood stained hands on the whole jewel? The jewel will become tainted, blacker than the darkest night.

Someone will stop him before this happens, I hope, but I wonder at times, is this all my fault? Unintentionally, I caused Onigumo to turn into Naraku, I was selfish and wished the jewel to be gone so that I could be a normal woman, I fell in love with a hanyou, and above all, I offered the jewel to him.

Or should I blame it all on Tsubaki, the jealous miko who laid a curse on me? She had told me that, "A miko must abandon her heart to achieve power…this includes love as well. You must extinguish love. You must never hold a man dear, or you will suffer an untimely death."

I had not heeded that warning, but I'm not sure even if I knew it would come to pass, that I would have changed my actions. Was it selfish of me to want someone? Someone that wasn't in complete awe of me, someone that I could actually talk to, someone that actually knew who I was? I suppose one person's needs are nothing when compared to the task of protecting something so powerful that it could destroy us all, but…despite the fact that I was judged the only miko who could take care of the Shikon Jewel, in the end I am only another person. And people die if left alone.

But why am I meandering through what-ifs? The red string of fate once broken cannot be mended again. What was once the connection of trust between Inuyasha and I has long been broken by Naraku, and it can not be tied together again.

Then why do I still try? …I do not know. I fight and live only so Naraku can burn in the seventh layer of hell, but what about after that? Will I still persist in trying to drag Inuyasha to hell with me, or will I let him live out his life with Kagome? In the end I still don't know. My mind tells me that the most reasonable thing to do would be just to reclaim my grave, and let my soul once again reside in Kagome. My heart however calls for me to not let go of Inuyasha, no matter how much I see that he is getting closer to my reincarnation.

The space between my heart and mind is still uncertain about the path it will take, but in the end I suppose it does not matter. Nothing will matter until Naraku is dead, and then I will sort out this mess that Urasue created from creating a living clay doll. For now I will fight, and when the time comes, this fallen one hopes that she will make the right decision.

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A/N: …alright, I'm not even sure why I wrote this drabble, but I felt that Kikyo was a bit of a misunderstood character… Anyway, please review and all flames will be bounced back.


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